life ain't worth living without the one you love (fare thee well)
by canonginmione
Summary: mary will love lily for all of her days. she would rather die than change this. mary/lily.


warnings: unrequited love, brief homophobic language, canonical deaths, the d slur (d*e)

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here's a truth: mary will love lily for all of her days. she would rather die than change this.

lily will never love mary like this, will never see her as more than a friend. this, too, is a truth.

mary has long accepted this.

(it still hurts; an ache that never leaves her bones.)

\--

lily was not her first love; she did not even know lily until their fifth year. no, lily was not her first love. a girl by the name of viola clemens, tall and brunette, cruel and kind whenever it suited her, and who now left a bad taste in mary's mouth, took that place. she had been a slytherin, like mary, and mary had thought the world of her, until she had called mary a "lesbo freak". and that had been the end of that.

still, mary had been heartbroken for all that she was determined not to be. it had taken years, and practice, to not be. and lily. of course, lily.

\--

lily. beautiful, reckless, kind, charming, lily. lily, with her dark red hair and her green eyes and her golden-brown skin.

the recklessness, mary always told her, would get her killed one day; lily always laughed and wrinkled her nose, which made mary's heart stop.

"lucky i have you then."

\--

(once, when mary had snuck up into the gryffindor girls' dorms, and they had been giggling under lily's covers, lily had told her a secret.

"i like you," lily had whispered, giggling.

"you know, like _that_."

mary had blushed and changed the subject, and lily--

lily had never mentioned it again. sometimes, mary wondered if she had imagined it. and then, lily had started dating james potter, who she had always despised and mary--

well. she knew that was the end of it, when she saw the way lily looked at james. like he'd hung the stars in the sky. like she'd go to the ends of the earth for him. and mary understood. because she would do anything for lily, anything at all.

it still hurt, though. a constant, never-ending burning.)

\--

lily's getting married. lily's getti--

 _god._

lily's getting married, and mary cries every night and pastes on a smile every morning. she's the maid of honour, so she's very involved, and--

she'd just hoped-- she'd hoped. after all those years of agonizing pining, she'd still had hope. it was ridiculous, and yet-- even now she hoped relentlessly. it hurt too much to give it up, even as it was killing her.

\--

viola clemens. she hasn't seen her in-- god, years. yet here she is, in the bridal shop, looking smug as ever. and unfortunately beautiful.

"she's a lesbo freak, you know. a dyke." she jerks her chin in mary's direction, and mary, mary feels her face go hot.

beside her, lily goes pale with anger.

" _don't_ call her that," lily says fiercely, her eyes flashing. viola's mouth twists into an ugly sneer.

"why not? it's just the _truth_. she was in love with me once-- she's probably in love with you, too, you know. it's sickening."

mary's heart drops somewhere below her feet, and she gasps quietly. lily takes her hand.

"mary is a lesbian," she says steadily, "but that doesn't make her a freak. people like you, on the other hand..." she trails off pointedly, and viola flushes blotchily. she doesn't look so pretty now.

lily clucks her tongue pityingly.

"you must be a very sad person, to be so cruel," she says coldly, and then she drags mary out of the shop.

\--

mary breaks down on the day of the wedding.

lily is so beautiful, her red, red hair is wild and free, and her muggle fairy tale dress is so magical, and she's beaming, her eyes twinkling, her skin practically glowing in the summer sun.

and she's so out of reach.

mary has known this for years, but-- it's solidified now, harsh and painful. she feels like something's stuck in her throat.

mary's brushing on her mascara--lily had insisted on muggle makeup--when she begins to sob. it's quiet at first, and she doesn't notice until lily reaches up and brushes the tears from her eyes.

"it's going to be ok," lily says, but she seems sad, and mary shakes her head. she has to tell lily _now_. if she doesn't, she'll die.

"lily--" she sobs, "i love you."

"i know," lily says, stroking her cheek. mary shakes her head again, capturing lily's hand and kissing it. the only tenderness she'll allow herself.

"no," she whispers, "i _love_ you."

lily smiles at her sadly.

"i know, mack," she says softly. she looks kind, loving, not disgusted or pitying. still, fear rips through mary, and she stumbles backwards.

lily stands, moving slowly forward, her hands up.

"hey, hey," she says gently.

"mack, it's ok. it's gonna be ok."

mary falls into her arms, convulsing with surpressed sobs, and lily strokes her hair tenderly.

"it's gonna be ok," she whispers. she presses a dry kiss to her forehead. mary sobs all the harder.

\--

mary smiles when lily walks up the aisle.

(she catches herself dreaming that it's her that's waiting for lily at the end of the aisle, that it's her who will be bound to lily until death do they part.)

they look radiant together. they really do. james is grinning crookedly, nervously, down at her, his wife-to-be, and lily is beaming up at him. they're a picture.

and if mary wipes away a tear, then, well.

crying is quite natural at weddings, and no one is the wiser.

\--

lily is dead. _lily is dead._ **lily is dead.**

 **FUCK.**

mary doesn't cry. she feels empty, she feels numb. as she watches lily being lowered into the ground, james by her side, she feels as if she, too, is being buried.

she might as well be. she might as well be dead. _she might as well be dead._

\--

it takes two weeks for the pain to set in and when it does--

everything crashes down. she howls, a ragged, animal sound, as she falls to her knees, tears at her skin, anything to _stop stop stop stop stop_ **stop** this pain that is ripping through her, burning burning **burning.**

she sobs and wails and screams until her voice is gone, and she weeps soundlessly until she passes out on the cold floor. in the morning, she cries some more, and then she gets up and goes about her day.

lily would have wanted her to.

she _has_ to keep thinking that.

 _lily would want her to._

\--

mary will love lily for all of her days. she would rather die than change this.

\--

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 _notes: hm. ok. idk if i like this or if it's sad enough but. i balled my eyes out while writing this lmaoo._


End file.
